OF DOGS AND MEN – A MYTH THERAPY
OF DOGS AND MEN – A MYTH THERAPY
By Marc Asanov Archibald Sr.
An XXX rated play
The International Scientific Watchdog Committee for Dogs Metamorphoses Tryout
Stage: A long table (9 ft. long by 3 ft. wide, may be longer and wider). Behind the table a wall with five high decal windows covered with bars. On the table a pile of books and a laser beam pointer. Arranged behind the table there are eleven chairs, facing the audience. The chairs are vintage style, decorated on the top of their back with a royal crown. The same crown is depicted on top of the windows. In the middle of the wall, between windows, there is a big poster depicting the anatomy of a male dog standing on his rear feet. Next to it there is a pink painting of a female dog, her two big teats covered with hair. On the right side of the wall a banner in neon letters that reads: “The school for transformation, metamorphosis and humanization of dogs”.
Characters: Seven middle age men – Sigmund, Klaus, Escapov, Phony,Napoleon, Melinda - all scientists, a Masonic Lodge Lord (CHAIRMAN) and six wax dummies dressed in blue sanitary suits and resembling Freud. The characters and the dummies are sitting in an alternate fashion, one man next to a dummy. Characters are wearing various colorful suits. Sigmund is wearing a flowery Hawaii kind of shirt, and a flowery hat with a feather on top. Escapee is wearing a fluorescent shirt and a pink tie. Klaus is wearing a yellow suit with a brown scarf, a fresh rose in his chest pocket and a well stuffed briefcase. Phony is wearing a cacophonic shirt and a Texan jacket. Napoleon is wearing a high collar shirt with a big bow tie and a Napoleonic insignia on his shirt pocket. Melinda, a middle age man is wearing a “Hippy” wig and long earrings, a low cut T-tank shirt and a purse. The Chairman wears a traditional Chairman robe, cap and shades. He sits on the chair placed in the center of the table. Extra characters: a fat lady and a Pekinese dog. Phony is wearing a thick gray moustache. Sigmund is wearing a beard a la Freud and a monocle.
When the curtains open the characters are seated behind the table, like frozen. The cell phone in front of Chairman rings. Chairman picks up the phone and the whole scene becomes animated.
CHAIRMAN (On the phone): All right! Talk loudly please. You are breaking up! Yes! You are breaking up! Yes! Damn it! No! Yes! You are breaking up! Oh! (He stares at the audience for a while). I think we should wait until he calls back. (Again, stares at the audience). Ok, let’s start then. (The phone rings. Chairman clicks on it as if closing it and puts the phone in his pants pocket). Ladies and Gentleman! I am the President of the International Secret Society of the Transient Species. Assembled here are presidents of the International Scientific Watchdog committee for dogs’ metamorphoses. My name is Chairman, short for chairman. Our Society is so secret that its name is non-pronounceable. We’re here to introduce a revolutionary idea that would transform the inhabited word into a ubiquitous human universe. I’d like to introduce to you the scientific committee assembled here to validate the principles and elaborate the methods used in the spontaneous metamorphoses of one species into another. This time we are looking into the metamorphoses of dogs into humans. Now, this is our battery of eminent scientists. I’d like the illusory invitees to introduce themselves using short sentences of maximum 100 words. We’d start from the right side and continue clock wise. (He points towards each of the characters): The President of Claustrophobic Society represented here by Mr. Klaus. (He, points to the next character): The President of the Freudian Society represented here by Mr. Sigmund. (He, points to the next character): The President of the French Academy represented here by Mr. Napoleon. (He, points to the next character): The President of The Cacophonic Society represented here by Mr. Phony. Also a Meta President of Paranormal and Megapixels events. (He points to the next character): Finally, last but not least, The President of Escapism Society represented here by Mr. Escapov. Who’d like to start? (Sigmund raises his hand). Mr. Sigmund, please…
MELINDA: You forgot to introduce me. I am the President of the International Spiritual Society also known as Intercourse. Contrary to my appearance that may mystify some purists I am an old traditional fella. My name is Melinda though my friends like to call me Matilda. For us a man with no wisdom is a dog. Vice versa, a dog with wisdom is a man. I want to underscore the fact that we’re here for a talk, a concrete consultation in this matter that is for all of us a theoretical laboratory, an abstract scientific experience in which nature changes hands as it did relentlessly in the last million years. Simply, as I said already I had been summoned here for a consultation into the means used to change a dog’s mind by applying a man’s brain encoding into his synapses. I authored a book “Knitting and embroidering”. The title is a metaphor of course about man’s mind adorning his soul. Our most important discovery is that the mind is obscure, the soul is obscure, the heart is obscure, and all those are overlapping in an obscure way. Neither could we say in a clear way if such obscurity is necessary or if that idleness of man’s evolution into a superior being should be monitored to discover shortcomings originated into God’s design.
(Sigmund gets agitated and jumps from his seat with his both hands up)
CHAIRMAN (To Melinda, snapping his fingers): Enough of spiritual BS. Suck some air now and shut up. You sprinkled with your stinky saliva the whole table. (To Sigmund): Ok, talk but be short. One hundred words please.
SIGMUND: I am a Freudian psychic, also psycho and a psychoanalyst. It is like using three eyes to see things in tridimensional mental picture. To resolve mental problems we use pointers, similar to what Freud did, pointing to an oedipal mother and to her breasts in the childhood of society, of human society, I should emphasize. We should concentrate on a subject like “what dogs want” as opposed to human wants. Nowadays people think that psychoanalysis is obsolete, an archaic passé… Not for dogs though, not for dogs…
CHAIRMAN: Please don’t repeat yourself. Be concise. Maximum one hundred words…
SIGMUND (Pointing the laser pointer on the dog poster): The first question I would like to raise is what lies under the fur of a dog? Is that a being? What about if under the fur of a dog we find a peacock? I mean, do those big ears going to trick us believe that we don’t know what lies under that fur? And then there is another doubt I have if a dog knows that by becoming a man he is losing his freedom. People are standing in line to buy stuff, hurting their hands carrying stuff, forbidden to cry and laugh in official places… A man becomes a sleepless and dreamless creature and eventually changes into a tragic nature as he contemplates the exit…
CHAIRMAN: Now, we cannot circle around principles and philosophical matters. Our experiment is simple: a dog is going to become a man through a sudden mutation. Deep down a dog is obviously a man already. Bible doesn’t talk about the creation of a dog from clay. That could give one the idea that dogs have not been created. Maybe Darwin is right that dogs evolved from monkeys. By virtue of dog’s nature they should know how to kiss and lick and etcetera. It is also amazing how human history resembles canine history. That’s why the transformation of a dog into a man may look like a routine. The universe worked for millions of years to make a dog as a dog and a man as a man. That’s why to make a dog a man it may take a couple a days.
ESCAPOV: I am the President of the International Escapism Association by vocation and profession and also a veterinarian. On my leisure time I am also an anthropologist. In recent years the quantity and quality of private escapism increased to levels never heard of just a decade ago. We need dogs just to get down doing it. We have to buy them cotton tailor-made clothing, clean their fur of pits and seeds and dress them to the last healthy norms used in human societies. However, until we find a match, like a dog looking like a man, we can’t be sure if dogs indeed get metamorphosed. Who knows more than a dog how dogs look like? No point competing with dogs. Not to forget though, as we go through this experiment we have to analyze dog’s anomalies as compared to man’s anomalies and help cure them by using differences as means to calculate the additions… A dog is a sum of his parts… That’s true if we go from dog to man or vice versa…
NAPOLEON: Bonsoir. Je Suisse le President de lack a Demy Françoise.
(Sigmund leans backward and whispers something in Chairman’s ear)
CHAIRMAN: English please… American English…
ESCAPOV: It wouldn’t make sense to be an elected president of French Academy and not talk American English fluently. It is like seeing a dog without a tail. Nowadays people could cross the strait of Calais on bicycle. As the Chairman demanded: American English please…
NAPOLEON: Fuck! I accepted to be part of this experiment since I discovered that in The American genealogic chart of ancillary dogs there are also three French dogs, very well regarded by the history and portrayed in their enchanting phase of transformation. We should make sure that once the changes are applied to our contemporary dogs they are never going to relapse. At least this is how it works in France. Changes, as we know, don’t accumulate in piles. And if they are not shallow like ankle-deep changes, they are not deep either. Life is an uninterrupted march. We would see under our own eyes such a march: as the dog vanishes, the man emerges. That is why we should be assured that the transformation is right, going in the right direction. At least this is how it is in France.
CHAIRMAN: Whenever you talk it is like you pock me in the eye with yours “how is it in France”. You are afraid that the dog is going to have double personality, like eating with a fork like a Frenchman and peeing on the street like an American dog.
NAPOLEON: Whichever way it goes it is ok with me. There were two twins in France. They were chemically similar, physically similar, structurally similar, mentally similar, though their hands were dissimilar in color, the number of fingers and the hairy embellishment. That show that even dealing with lookalike subjects nature is still handing out a broken mirror to the scientist. A tattered mirror…
PHONY: We should also choose a dog of the right age. A young dog is honest. In today world this cliché is not true anymore. There are as many imposter dogs as humans are. I would like to quote the words of his Excellency the Retired General Guido Mondo Cane: We want to know what is in a person’s mind. I cannot judge thoughts, I could judge only actions. You noticed I said person, not man or woman. By the law a sexless dog with the same sex or a different sex could be chosen for experimentation… Another question is if we have to provide a dog with condoms to protect the humanoid civilization from being contaminated with fur and fangs. I presume everybody remember the story “White Fang” authored by Jack London and published simultaneously in Paris and London. Our illustrious French colleague Napoleon must have read it also.
NAPOLEON: I don’t read translations.
PHONY: I also avoid reading translations of English stories in French that are translated back to English.
SIGMUND: I just noticed that we don’t have a woman among us, a literati woman like for instance Ficona Grilleto …
NAPOLEON: Or Mme. Roche Foucault, in spirit, of course.
ESCAPOV: Of course not; because our dog trying to become a man is a male… Women look just at opportunities to harden a male. From my experience I know that God made men to be equal to women. That’s what I understand fully. Dare women to stay above men they can’t find audiences to listen. Human dimension is wide and expandable to infinite.
SIGMUND: In reverse - though we have to acknowledge that man’s dimension is petit and shrinking while woman’s dimension is getting bigger. That’s why men are going to see a shrink. In my practice I saw men as small as a thumb, collapsing under my analysis, locked in their childhood age, recalling the smell of their mother breastfeeding them, cleaning their diapers of waste… A universal mom, taking care of the humanity in its beautiful road to eternal happiness… (Wiping his tears): It reminds me of what happened to my mother… God put the equipment we call life support on her nose and mouth and she barely could talk and said to me that she felt like she was sinking. There was that swinging feeling the Bible talks about. And then she saw God baking his hands above a coal fire and saying in symbols: Life was beautiful, wasn’t it? Was this a dream, mother asked?
NAPOLEON: Since you dare to talk about beauty which we cultivate in France as the appendix to strength… How would you explain that all psychologists are ugly? And also they look like old men in their young age? The very desire of living is what they miss… They miss the body’s fire, the gift of loving and the pulse of passion.
SIGMUND: Maybe, but they don’t fall in disarray when passion betrays them or be a cause of embarrassment in bed when they are tempted by a motherly breast, a laughable bitter nipple they know they should avoid… The incestuous addicts of the new millennium… as Freud reminded us of man’s weaknesses and their disobedience to the supreme Father from the Sky…
NAPOLEON: I feel safe sitting here, far from you… We, in France ask straight questions when we are in bed with a woman or while taking a shower… Not trailing the doubts like people living in the six Americas do. Straight questions defeat perversion. Difficult to resist, I understand, I was there. Better grab your mother by the arm and ask questions… Plump mothers are always better to answer questions as they fancy their own questions and doubts in a practical world. Chubbier mean more doubts… Often men are born when their way out is clear by their mother’s dream of reverse penetration. Freudians look at this with open eyes: what are men? Wingless angels… Altered angels to the point of no return… An accident of the unguarded Heaven… While Eve did what we all know it was God’s task to decide if man has to be thrown out of Heaven for what Eve’s did…
ESCAPOV: I see you got enmeshed in religious issues…
SIGMUND: Religion is just a manner to talk about real life. If I am not mistaken it is also a mother and son that are at the center of this talk… Man overboard… Man should go… God kept screaming. Where is man now? Holding hands… His mom is with him. She’d always be with him, from the first day till the end…
KLAUS: Sixty years ago I was twenty five and I held senseless jobs like feeding pigeons, spying on neighbors… And I had dreams. Plenty of dreams… I didn’t know what life holds for me in the future. I’ll never forget the day when I was asked to be the President of the Claustrophobic Society to preside. I was in charge to punish people that didn’t obey the Society’s laws. People that inhabit a city and are disobedient to laws should be punished. Usually disobedience happened in elevators and toilets…
ESCAPOV: If a dog is willful and has fire in his guts he’s going to succeed. Even if concepts like infinity and void would be too difficult for a dog to understand, the galaxy concept would not. Every night the dogs are watching the sky. I noticed a dog one night barking at the stars. In theory dogs could be good astronomers. They may think that all asters are earthbound. Also, I say, if they cannot handle fire they surely could handle stars. Do you gentlemen recall the allegorical scene in a Goya painting when a dog has an intimate sort of relationship with Dona Maya Denudes? That lady was a disgrace. But this is not the point. She wouldn’t hesitate to make love to a dog. That’s why Inquisition kept her under surveillance and caught her in her own bed having a copulation attitude with a Minotaur. It may inhibit you all when I reiterate that this is not a legend.
KLAUS: Not a legend indeed. Amazing what history could unearth. A Minotaur is an eternal dog that nowadays is not operational anymore. A Minotaur is a legendary dog, I concur… But nevertheless, scientists discovered that a Minotaur with three wings still exist in China. Also Phoenix birds with no wings and blue eyes, the human element in birds, exists in Germany, Zanzibar and Patagonia. Minotaurs, dragons and Phoenix dogs are dumb as a fish and have a fierce attitude towards humans. They have to be excluded from metamorphoses.
SIGMUND: You are very geographical. Maybe a dog would prove to us that he has a gentle nature… that he is a shy and introvert creature born with a delicate brain deformity typical to hippopotamus and hypochondriacs. His reactions to stimulus could also be similar to what Freud describes as “the state of affairs of his penis”.
ESCAPOV: You quote Freud to us and we’re not dumb. But I think puppies are still tied to their mother’s apron strings… Ask the crowd of grownups that cry and scream when they see a puppy tumble down.
CHAIRMAN: Let’s not jump out of the pants before we catch a real fish. Our experiment to transform a dog into a man should be presented like a menu in a restaurant: aperitifs first, main course, deserts, etc. What are the aperitifs: To teach the dog the alphabet and arithmetic… The main course is to teach the dog what are man’s habits, dreams and his sense of importance. The desert would be to show him what passion means, to teach him ballet and dirty dancing. Finally we’ll have to teach him subtle stuff like what molecules are, and then cells, DNA stuff, cloning. Everything about impregnation… But we’d still have to ask us if such a transformation of a dog into a man is morally ok. Who are we to decide that man’s morals are superior when a dog’s faithful life towards his master is the most valuable proof of dog’s high morals that underscores the true superior nature of domesticated species; superior even to carnivore vegetables and to carnivore animals eating carnivore vegetables, etc.
NAPOLEON: May I say something about this thorny issue? Dogs are raised with the idea that they could be shameless. So they roam the house, sometimes we cannot tell them apart from the rags they sleep on. Imagine, you throw a box of hormones into the air and make a man. You catch it and mistakenly drop one or two hormones onto a man and make a dog. If a human could think of a dog as his equal naturally dogs would be allowed to vote and have equal wages according to what is known as the law of impediment. The equestrian club issued a written complaint that is interpolating that dogs cannot ride horses. Then therein a man evolved from a dog should not be allowed to be enlisted as a full member of the equestrian club.
SIGMUND: We are here to design the bases of a revolutionary experiment… Not talk about exclusive clubs membership…
CHAIRMAN: I just said that…
SIGMUND: The metamorphosis of a dog into a man is full of hardship. Not membership. Of course, such metamorphosis is not glossy as the metamorphosis of a monkey into a man. That one needed millions of years to complete and was only 90% unsuccessful as many of us are aware. That everlasting Godly experiment should tell us that DNA cloning is already antiquated.
KLAUS: I am the President of the Claustrophobic Society and represent the needs and the will of one billion claustrophobic people. I’d like to ask you not to forget to mention in the text books we’re writing out about this experiment that there are an immense number of claustrophobic dogs. An easy way to transform claustrophobic dogs into claustrophobic men is to provide a claustrophobic environment in which claustrophobia could be cultivated and get support from claustrophobic personnel.
ESCAPOV: I felt inspired by your speech, dear illustrious colleague and I thought that one of the text books title would be a guide sort of as we could call it guide only for free range or claustrophobic dogs. Or even better, “The dog-to-man transformation, semicolon, a how-to guide for stupid people and idiots…”
(All scientists laugh copiously)
SIGMUND: We’d have to find tentative answers before we proceed with this experiment. 1. Are dog-men capable of doing menial work? The answer is yes. 2. Are dog-men able to do mental work? The answer is yes. 3. Are dog-men able to copulate with a woman in a position other than the doggy one? We don’t know. We also don’t know if a dog-man is not going to tickle a woman’s hips with his tail. We don’t know.
PHONY (He points with a laser stick to the poster on the wall): We’re going to cut his tail before the experiment starts. It’s part of the initial cosmetic surgery. Tail, ears, etc., will have to be dealt with before or after. Also the dog will have to get a nose job and a manicure of his claws. (He sits down).
SIGMUND: I am a psychiatrist. That is I am not a doctor. And I don’t laugh at doctors. Especially in the winter when they prescribe cannabis for as long as the winter lasts. A few times I tried phosphorescent pills. You take one of those pills and you go naked and sit on an icy bench and have a coffee…
KLAUS: I don’t care about doctors. A dog metamorphose should be all natural… To have it done with a surgeon intervention is hideous, because such a transformation doesn’t happen at once… Neither at once nor all of a sudden… Surgeons don’t know what they are doing until they get inside a thing and see what they could find out there… Often they find eggs inside, Irish pudding, motionless reptiles, masochistic dolls… In non-smoker dogs…
PHONY: Stop your scientific crap. It was already confirmed that dogs carry 99% of human DNA. Maybe what we see here is a cornerstone, a milestone, a ring stone… We all have to realize that… Why not, I may ask… I think every dog should have a chance to become a man/slash woman. Then, who’s going to correct such an evolutionary jump if it is going to be proven a mistake. It would be a mistake to let a dog feel the fever of metamorphoses, the way we call this shift, and take his transformation under his own control, under his own supervision. The scientific protocol requires will, a positive attitude and correct reaction to errors. This is not a children game! We should never let a dog get temperamental, act in an idiotic way, plotting his way out of the training and going to live in society like a half dog - half man creature. I am also sure that inter-regnum relationships could advance our understanding of who we are. Life beyond species: what is life beyond species?
KLAUS: A dog-man would have to learn lots of common things: how to wear pants and use properly the bathroom. Dogs are not doing that job neatly. I know you’d argue that some folks are peeing in the sink and shit in the shower. If a dog does that he could flood the bathroom. And we know those skills are learned at an early stage. We have a good chance to fail educating him. Utter stupidity, that’s how one could call the intelligence of an uneducated dog. We have to take up this issue with a kindergarten teacher. And the cloth he is going to wear. If he wants to wear velvet and pee in his pants and think that he’s still a pet, forget it. Usually dogs that are forced to use the toilet have seizures. Then what we could do? Watch him 24 hours of 24 for a 7 by 7 week? Habits could hardly be reversed. And who’s going to kiss him good night, to teach him what a motherly feelings are? He cannot make sense of a man’s life from stories or dummy models. A dog is a dog is a dog. I hate to say that.
SIGMUND: I disagree. You call a cloud a cloud and then the cloud dissipates in a minute. You see it dissipating; while dogs are functional organisms they adapt and evolve… Sooner or later, days ahead, they may ask us what human dignity is and refuse to obey.
NAPOLEON: To ask a dog to obey or to ask for a dog’s friendship is exploitation. That dog is an animal it is far from being true. And also it is too soon to tell. A dog’s owner gets to a point when he understands that dogs have human traits. Once they see it they pretend not to see it, not to be aware of it. Did one of you ever notice when a dog and his owner look at each other, and stare… At those moments they exchange their nature among themselves: the owner becomes a dog and vice versa. Slowly, dogs borrow human characteristics. Nothing to be worried about… Elder dogs that missed such exchange roam the streets exhibiting doubtful moods, overwhelmed by flies and lice… Fateful canine life, one may say… What about homeless people and beggars?
ESCAPOV: I think our French colleague made an interesting point. We think that all dogs are the same. I’d not be surprised if we could find a scientific law proving not only that all dogs are not the same but that they are also different. We owe an apology to the whole canine family, that we call them animals and then that we don’t differentiate between moral and immoral dogs.
NAPOLEON: And then, there is the task to monitor them and see which is which. I made acquaintance once in France with a dog that was recruited by the French President to help a blind gardener trim the trees in Luxemburg Garden. The dog was very gentle and had a sense of humor. He would blush when he saw one scratching his behind. He couldn’t figure out how a man could touch with his hand some parts that a dog couldn’t reach with his tongue. I visited the Luxembourg Garden every day. That cleared the way to our deep friendship. One day he got hit by a tourist bus. I remember his barking. It was like an unfinished shriek. The proverb that says that when an old dog barks he gives counsel is not always true. Not always. The bus stopped and all the tourists got off the bus. They were all crying, including the Garden Landlord. The meaning of this long story is that if an old dog is idle and doesn’t watch the traffic his life could become volatile if he gets into an accident. Like that (He snaps his fingers). It also reminds me of the need to monitor dogs in their metamorphosis. It also is reminiscent of the natural order that a dog means a thing and his owner another.
KLAUS: There are lots of details that need to be planned like a dog’s affection towards his masters. He has to change it to something new, like empathy… and also change his muzzle expression into a dignified grin showing love and tenderness. The change could take a while. I could see it happening. It needs some tweaking, some adjustment. A dog has a wet nose. It may feel uncomfortable under a woman’s skirt. But also it makes a woman wanting involuntarily to undress. And then all moaning and groaning and excitement for practically no reason... Especially after kisses and nose water pouring all over her legs… Love dialectics, my friends…
SIGMUND: What a superb description of love and empathy you gave us here? The best one I heard in the last one hundred years. No smooches, no bites either. Dogs seem to take what is given to dogs. Genuine love... Women don’t match up with their passion. No room for fake cuddling. Legs decorated with garters. A doggy kit, a wet nose, lips, all muscles, and the tongue on the landing... Freud writes about it in detail though he uses penis metaphors…
KLAUS: Also it is important to teach the dog how to laugh. We may have to work on it. It is well known that dogs laugh only after they die. I saw one day a dog in the middle of the street with his muzzle open and his teeth frozen in a transcendent smile…
CHAIRMAN: We’ll teach him what man made sounds means. Like music… No question he could not understand Mozart or draw tears listening to Brahms’ German Requiem or to the sad ring of a cell phone thrown is a bush. Yet, a dog is God’s creation, he comes from the same sunlight and God takes care equally of man and all creations; though each creation may owe a different parcel from the Garden of Heaven. Like, for instance, Japanese dogs have a miniature Heaven to use in exclusivity. They could walk and relieve themselves on a bare stone ground sprinkled with Lilliputian artesian fountains and miniature thorny flowers. And dim lit mirrors…
SIGMUND: Yes, it is important to teach a dog how to smile and also how to cry, to let him tell us his story. We don’t want to teach him how human life is and make him forget his past. It is pitiful to see a dog behaving like an anorexic bitch… all those nightmares that a dog could borrow from humans… We’ll tell him what cry is and if he doesn’t seem to understand, and only then, we spank him a couple of times until he cries and ask for help. There was a patient I had, and this is a true story, that would pull his pants down to be spanked for frills, we thought. Until we discovered that he had a pimple down there that was itching and made him squinting at us when he got spanked…
ESCAPOV: Dogs think of love as their duty. Love is what their job for their masters asks for. But if you look straight in a dog’s eye you see the hot love desire of a species towards another species. Their crossed eyes carry with them without telling the historic passion that connects dogs and humans. Dogs are entitled of love and passion once they metamorphose into humans. Though, after metamorphoses, it’s hard for them to go to bed and play sex as if nothing is naturally wrong for them to do... Certainly if they get a good start they could keep playing forever. Clutching a woman’s hips they could do things by chameleonicing as a man.
NAPOLEON: How we are going to know when our dog is very well hardened – I mean, ready to change his dog genes with human genes. Another question is if once he became humanoid, is he going to experience human feelings and be faithful to humanity’s ideals and refuse political extremist ideas like communism and anarchy? Our world is made out of achievements, hopes and also failures and desperation. If he inherits some illusionary aspects like bipolar disorders or schizoid stuff we’d have to perform on him synapses exchanges, which is expensive. If he gets enraged, during his transformation, and bites one of us?... Then, what about, if we get rabies… The whole experiment could fall in disarray… He’ll rot under surgeon’s knife. Humans tend to overlook consequences of any experiment. So, we have to plan carefully. We’ll have to write down each step, not to forget… We’ll have to split the project in tiny elements like dog’s lips, dog’s teeth, dog’s nose, dog’s barking, etc.
(Napoleon asks to be excused to go to pee by pointing to his pants. He leaves the stage in a hurry).
ESCAPOV: Don’t you get the impression that this French Academician is like living in another world?
KLAUS: Of course. He is European. European mentality is still living in eighteen century.
SIGMUND: He is zany, reckless… He is always bringing up a French subject… And a French accent… His obsession with hips and diapers… Like dog’s lips… He doesn’t know a thing or two about creation. When he talks about evolution I feel like sticking a middle finger in his ass…
KLAUS: By the same token he is an idiot.
ESCAPOV: By the same token he is mentally foolish …
CHAIRMAN: Let’s try an experiment to see how far Mr. French’s knowledge goes. Phony come over here. (Phony comes around the table and approaches the Chairman): You will play the role of a dog subjected to metamorphosis. Sit over there on the floor.
(Phony moves hesitantly and sits cross legged on the floor. We hear a couple of barks coming from the background. Phony reacts nervously)
ESCAPOV: What a beautiful animal.
PHONY: Don’t call me animal. I am a dog and you should respect that.
SIGMUND: By the same token you are an unreasonable pachyderm…
(Al scientists laugh. New barks from the background, now lauder)
CHAIRMAN: They must have smelled that a dog is living here. We have to rush going through our experiment before we get assaulted by beasts. We should control the way Phony expresses himself. No barks aloud. He would be forbidden to get opinionated too often. This could derail our scientific observations.
(Napoleon comes back to the table scratching his ass)
NAPOLEON: What’s going on? (Pointing towards Phony): What is he doing sitting there?
SIGMUND: We were just talking about your interesting ideas…
NAPOLEON: Which one?
SIGMUND: I forgot…. That is how my mind works: When one asks a question my mind just switches off; it doesn’t want to find the answer. A stupid question should be laid to rest …
ESCAPOV (Addressing Napoleon): I would have the courage to say that personally I call your methodology in question.
NAPOLEON: What methodology? I don’t have any methodology?
ESCAPOV: The one with dog’s lips and the French kiss…
NAPOLEON: You prefer a British kiss, I know? You talk like they do, with the tip of your tongue sucking your teeth. I like British protocols, like when the Prime Minister slaps the desk and then all the lords squeak like undisciplined brats. I think Brits are always speaking to themselves. A self-centered nature that is malignant to dogs. It just proves how passé their history had become. Though they talk eloquently… (He looks at Phony, give a long whistle pointing his finger at him): Get up on your feet stupid…
SIGMUND: Please respect him. Chairman had a brilliant idea. Phony will play the role of a dog to help us understand the process of dogs’ metamorphoses into men.
CHAIRMAN: He’ll give us an idea how dogs change their appearance and behavior during transformation. His moustache would suggest to us how dog fur looks like is. Sigmund, go and look if he has a hairy chest.
(Sigmund approaches Phony and opens his shirt with a brutal gesture)
SIGMUND: No hairy chest.
CHAIRMAN: It’s ok. His moustache is hairy enough. We have to find a name for him.
SIGMUND: What about Libido?
CHAIRMAN: I recall from high school that Libido is the name of a flower.
KLAUS: What about Lex with L. like in Libido?
CHAIRMAN: Lex is good. A name that a dog could easily remember... (To Phony): Your name as a dog is Lex. When you’re going to become a man again we’d give you back your social security number and your real name.
(We hear the sound of a door bell. Klaus goes to the door, parts the door, letting in a man dressed like a colonel. He is holding in his arms two huge KFC bags. Sigmund runs in a hurry to take the bags and places them on the table. Then he opens the bags and places seven boxes on the table).
SIGMUND (Pointing towards Phony); How do we feed him?
(The chairman grabs a box, opens it and places it on the floor in front of Phony. Phony begins eating like a dog, holding a piece of chicken between his front “paws”)
CHAIRMAN: Well. Actually he behaves like a dog. It isn’t easy for me to see him regressing so fast. After he finishes eating we could begin our scientific project. We’ll have to gather a pile of newspapers on which he could relieve himself. We’re going to have lots of fun.
SIGMUND: We need to film it, to make a scientific documentary.
(For a couple of moments all the scientists are watching Phony, eating).
ESCAPOV (to chairman): Do you think he is still recognizing us?
CHAIRMAN: Of course. (He shouts towards Phony): Lex!
(Phony is raising his head, listening)
CHAIRMAN: Who am I?
(Phony starts barking)
CHAIRMAN: I am proud of you.
(Phony keeps barking for a while then he stand up on his hind paws)
PHONY: I want to see with you at the table.
(Klaus and Sigmund talk in a mute fashion and laugh piercingly glancing towards Phony. We hear the sound of a cell phone. Sigmund takes the phone from his pocket, addresses the Chairman).
SIGMUND: Please excuse me. It’s an emergency. (On the phone): No! No! No! It’s impossible.
(Everybody turns towards Sigmund and stare at him)
SIGMUND: Panda bear? Are you sure? (To others): Panda bear died during metamorphoses. No reason. The doctor heard her humming this morning. She lost interest to live after she regressed to a dolphin. (He goes back talking on the phone). I want to know if it was a normal death or a hush-hush situation. (To people around): It was a hush-hush situation.
(Everybody exclaims in a chorus: Ah! Oh! Ah)
KLAUS: How could she have regressed?
ESCAPOV: Nature’s mystery.
PHONY: There is no nature’s mystery anymore. Everything is technological: Hearing aids, earphones, Google goggles, fluorescent condoms, buzzing rectum, talking dentures, tongue prosthesis, overextended penises…
CHAIRMAN: You shut up… Sit.
NAPOLEON (In disbelief): I thought those Pandas are immortal.
PHONY: How could she be immortal? Whatever has fur is mortal.
SIGMUND: True. Fur is cure to immortality. It makes your body keep a thermodynamic temperature which moistens the genitals. Like Freud is commenting in one of his nightmarish treaties that pandas are perfect capable to have an affair with their mothers. Thus, Panda complex….
PHONY: I don’t want to be a panda bear. I want to sit at the table with you. Remember I am also a scientist…
CHAIRMAN: Sorry… Sit there and wait until we tell you that you are allowed to be a scientist. Your face changed… It looks so gray.
SIGMUND: All dogs are gray in the dark.
ESCAPOV: All day long… All night long…
PHONY: All the live long day…
CHAIRMAN: Stop intervening…
NAPOLEON: What’s the matter with you? He has the right to talk, to express ideas, to help us comprehend, have a handle on, have a hard on. He could mean stuff that has real meaning; he could be on something meaningful. Dogs have a memory that is as good as human’s memory.
CHAIRMAN: Let’s go back to our research main points. Today we’re going to teach Phony essentials like language and math, things that mothers teach their sons as they reach puberty. Innocent in their nature their sons make mistakes…
SIGMUND: Off! Going back to incest… Where are your manners? Are you a teacher or a temporary screwball? I feel ashamed whenever we teach dogs about sex games… Why not teaching him how to handle politics? Everybody is talking about wolves that ate the sheep and the cows from a Salvation Army farm next to the City Hall. Who’s going to cater for homeless and jobless and sexless people? Old people and the blind have been ejaculated from the City Hall. They’ll be turned over to municipalities that could accommodate them in stables and stalls.
ESCAPOV: Beautiful. The sweet smell of horse shit…
KLAUS: In the times we live what’s not normal seems beautiful. Normality had been banished. Despite so many wars people didn’t learn this elementary lesson. (He shouts): Don’t banish normality…
CHAIRMAN: Stop this melodrama. (To Sigmund): Tell us what you saw in the Salvation Army command center, control center and the center of maneuvers and operations.
SIGMUND: I saw potbellied sheep crying… I saw sheep having a hard time standing on their feet or on somebody else’s feet. Some forced to sleep in a ditch: their red eyes, their sleepless eyes, nevertheless refusing doctor prescribed remedies, bleating, bloating, squawking, crying...
CHAIRMAN: Crying for what?
SIGMUND: Lord knows. I looked straight in the eyes of a cow, to see if she was sincere. She was. Unless I lost my blissful capacity to read cow minds… I saw in the cow’s eyes so much compassion. Not a shadow of envy or cruelty. Then I saw the drawing of a wolf head on a wanting flier. Stupid… Everybody knows that a wolf can jump from a landscape onto another landscape undetected. Night is their Heaven. Did anybody look at Phony’s hand to see that he was not in reality a wolf? (To Phony): Phony, show us your hands.
PHONY: Why that? What kind of talk is this? Freud would be shaken in his grave if he heard this. Dogs have moms that are like any other moms. No dog mom ever gave birth to a wolf.
SIGMUND: I am sorry. It isn’t so simple. If a wolf mom fed you then you are a wolf. (He goes by Phony stares at his lips): I can still sense her milk on your lips.
CHAIRMAN: He was just moving through some transformations to become a man. You are talking about regression in transformation. This is a no-no.
(Phony crosses the stage towards the door. Sigmund hurries after him and doesn’t allow Phony to open the door. Phony returns to his previous position, so does Sigmund)
CHAIRMAN: We’ll have to buy dog biscuits to reward him when he behaves… Remember we all are humans by our own will. Let’s start gradually treat him as if he was a man. (To Sigmund): You should stop doubting the power of evolution. We’ll treat him as if he was our brother. Beginning today we’ll put Mr. in front of his dog name, namely Mr. Lex.
SIGMUND: Let me see if he bites.